There Was a Time

There was a time when I knew what I wanted. I wanted to grow up. I didn’t know much beyond that—what I wanted to do with my life, or what I should do with my life, or how to figure out what to do with my life. It was vaguely exciting but it was mostly worrying, like setting off on a journey in the fog.

Road in the fog

Then I got married and started having children. Some things came into focus. I knew I wanted to be a good mother and I wanted to have a happy marriage. Other things remained blurry and indistinct. I wanted to finish school. Kind of. I wanted to write. Kind of. As time marched on, it became less about what I wanted in life and more about accepting what it had become. But that was okay; I liked being a wife and mother. Until I realized I wanted more than that. But I didn’t know what.

Then there was a time when I knew what I wanted. I wanted things. I wanted a big, elegant house. I wanted a showplace of a yard. I wanted House Beautiful. Life had a purpose. I spent hours poring over catalogs (pre-online shopping era), scouring stores, and examining what my friends had. Unfortunately, my taste and desire exceeded our income. By a long shot. So I bought less expensive things we didn’t really need. And I wasn’t happy. Neither was my family.


Could I transform this...

The purpose of life: to transform this…

Beautiful house 2012 (11)

into this.

Then everything changed. On a mundane day, on a familiar road, on our way to some unexciting place, a spark ignited in me. In that brief illuminating second, I became aware of the existence of God in my life. Not the God up in heaven, watching the world with a wrathful eye. But the God who knew me intimately and still loved me. And I wanted to get to know him.

I rode that spiritual high for about a week. It came to an abrupt end one morning when things weren’t going my way. I finally lost it when I dropped my blow-dryer on my foot (I was having a bad hair day on top of everything else). I was in a relationship with God now. I shouldn’t ever have a bad day again. And I told God that: “What the hell (yes, that’s the word I used) is going on here? I’m not supposed to have bad days anymore.”

He probably chuckled at that.

Although everything had changed, it remained the same for a long time. I wanted to know God and I wanted to be cool with him. And I still wanted House Beautiful. And I wanted God to want me to have House Beautiful. But that’s not what he wanted for me.

There was a time, on another day, on another ride, it struck me that God had a plan for me that I didn’t know about. I’d have to trust him to lead me on this journey. That thought filled me with excitement. What adventures were in store for me. I couldn’t wait to get started.

And here I am years later, still unsure of where I’m going, but trusting in God and really enjoying the ride.





9 comments on “There Was a Time

  1. I know the feeling and boy is it ever so good to know I am not the only one out there! Thanks for the raw honesty!! Enjoy your ride!!


  2. Thanks for saying what so many others experience! Sometimes it seems like I spent the first third of my life trying to acquire things and what I thought i was supposed to have or do, then I tossed it aside, Now I feel like I am back where I started! lol oh well! Many dreams have fallen by the wayside. I hope yours and mine come true! Margaret P. ❤


  3. That is a beautiful tale about the discovery of faith and how it changed your life


  4. I’m at a weird place in my life right now. I just graduated from college, and I know I want to write, but I’m not sure what the future holds. One of the biggest things getting me through is knowing that God is on my side and holds my future in his hands.


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