Not For the Faint of Heart

I loved a boy in high school. My family moved to a new town in the middle of my freshman year, and I saw him for the first time at the bus stop. I could see his house from my bedroom window. The worst night of my life was the night he took another girl to the homecoming. I cried as I listened to mournful love songs (they were “our” songs) and stared at his house for most of the night. When I finally did get to sleep, I woke often and thought of him with that girl. Then I’d get out of bed, look out my window at his house, and wonder if he was home yet.

I knew his phone number, address, license plate number (I still do) and his birthday (I’ve forgotten it). I knew he liked cross-country and track and math. He seemed quiet and a little shy, although I heard he could be arrogant. I think he had blue-green eyes. That’s all I knew about him.

I didn’t know what kind of music, books or movies he liked. I didn’t know what he was passionate about or what he could have cared less about. We only spoke a handful of times and I’m sure he didn’t know my name (if he did, he certainly didn’t know about the “e” at the end). He inhabited (or at least orbited) the center of my universe for my entire high school life, even though he graduated two years before I did. He broke my heart and the only thing he ever did to me was to not notice me.

Was that love? If not, what was it? Is it worth a “do-over”?

To be continued… 


10 comments on “Not For the Faint of Heart

  1. It might not have been love but many of us have been there in some way. Refreshed some memories for me


  2. You have really given me so much to think about? The first question which arises is ‘what is love’? I find that a difficult emotion to describe. Of course, this also goes into the whole passion/addiction debate we’ve been having. But seriously, when does like become love and love become obsession? Who decides it?

    When I was in love, I think it just hit me one day that I was in love. I dont think it was conscious decision and dont know when it became more than just ‘like’. It is difficult for me to describe that moment.

    The other question I have is whether it is love if it is one-sided? I would think that it is but I don’t know if it is. Does one-sided love get relegated to the realm of obsession or addiction? I mean why does someone continue to love another if they are not receiving any love in exchange right?

    In your case, I personally think it could be love although most people would probably consider it to be a ‘crush’. Personally, I hate the ambiguity which the term ‘crush’ implies. But, don’t you know best what you felt? Do you feel that you loved him? If yes, then you did. I don’t think love can be defined objectively (and believe me, I have tried).

    What a wonderful post! Look forward to part 2.


  3. Janet Smayda. I first meet this girl in 7th grade when I switched from catholic school to public school. I was heads over heels with her. Only problem was that as far as she was concerned was that her then boyfriend was up till then the class head jock. And I was this unknown kid. I got to meet John R that first day when he sucker punched me in the hallway. Hello to you John R. I may have been small for my age, but I was a survivior of catholic school, hard time was recess, school was not for wimps. So After I found my breath, I swung at him and hit him in the face. What a mess, fortunately the teacher pulled us apart. We spent the next two weeks in after school detention. He and I became good friends. She dumped him later that year I remember then the following year her parents moved out of state. Yeah, I was infactuated with her. But JohnR, there is a good friend.


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