May 9, 2014

Child Repellent

Posted in Humor tagged , , , , at 7:21 PM by Dawne Webber

I’m going to try this with my kids. They hate when I dance. If they really get annoying, I’ll add some singing.

funny squirrel, interpretive dance

 

May 29, 2011

Advice You Didn’t Know You Needed

Posted in Humor tagged , , , at 9:15 AM by Dawne Webber

Our society has, at its disposal, easy access to a wealth of information. Despite this, once glance at some of the headlines floating around might have us believe we still don’t know much. In fact, how our clueless human species has managed to survive without these helpful answers and articles remains a mystery. With your welfare in mind, I’ve scoured the web in order to bring you some vital information.

Is it luck or fate that I found this lifesaving information in time for barbecue season? I know I was blissfully ignorant until I read it:

5 Ways Your Backyard Barbecue Can Kill You.

OMG-who knew! Why are grills still on the market?

 

I came across this question on Shine:

Question: My husband and I are wondering if we should lock our bedroom door when we’re making love. If we don’t, what should we do if our child accidentally walks in on us?

I don’t mean to be nasty, just pragmatic–if you need to ask this question, maybe you shouldn’t be procreating.

This was a headline from the Yahoo homepage:

Should Kids Be Wearing Real Makeup and Push-up Bras?

Mothers of young girls have pondered this question since the introduction of the push-up bra in 1961, but they never had to answer it because push-up bras were made only for adults–until now. Mothers of young girls, the time has come to ponder this question seriously. Think of how much more fulfilling your childhood could have been if  you had worn a push-up bra.

As for the makeup issue. That’s such a no brainer. Although “real” makeup is probably better for the complexion, I can barely afford “real” makeup for me. The girls will just have to live with the cheap, fake stuff made especially for children. Their complexion will recover.

For the star-watchers among us, especially those wanting to keep up-to-date on the latest star pregnancies, I recommend this article. It could prevent a potentially embarrassing situation if you run into one of these stars and are tempted to congratulate her on her pregnancy.

Pregnant or Ham Sandwich? Which Stars Are With Child, and Who Just Had a Big Lunch?

Allow me to share a few of my own tidbits of wisdom with you, hopefully saving you from the mental and physical trauma these situations may cause.

1. Never ask a child to guess your age unless you are psychologically strong enough to handle the answer. By the same token, never ask a child if they think you look like a Barbie doll.  A friend asked my four-year-old that question. My four-year-old didn’t lie.

2. That romantic dinner for two poses many dangers.

  • Undercooked steak (rare or medium rare) may cause food poisoning.
  • Shrimp may cause sudden, severe allergic reactions.
  • Let’s not forget choking is always a hazard when eating.
  • Those candles need to be watched. They may cause a fire.

Make sure to place in a visible spot.

  • Use steak knives with care; they can be deadly.
  • The hot tub looks inviting and relaxing but it may reduce male fertility, have high bacteria content leading to skin rashes, and cause strokes.
  • Those Spanx you’re wearing to look hot in your new outfit, may affect your circadian rhythms, and leave unsightly marks around your mid-section.
  • Those lovely shoes may cause or worsen bunions.
  • The music you’re playing may be embedded with subliminal messages or backmasked lyrics.

Go ahead and enjoy your romantic evening, just make sure to keep a watchful eye on everything.

Never clink glasses. They may shatter.

Have you come across any headlines or articles that contain advice we didn’t know we needed?

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